Growing pains

I have felt a lot of growing pains these past few years - as I think many of us have; and, it is not over yet; and, it is perhaps not meant to be completely over, as long as we are living?

My growing pains are more defined - clear - severe - disruptive - the more I dare to open: and the more I dare listen inwards, in peaceful quiet or in motion

What I find profoundly beautiful, is everything flowing to the surface together with my vulnerability - pain - despair - grief - fear: one thing drags the other with it, and what is meant to be released makes room for more of my strength - safety - trust - firmness - creativity - calm - power - wisdom

Letting go, surrendering & trusting

When I decide to commit myself to the above: letting go, surrendering completely and trusting myself as well as what life/nature has in store for me; I can truly acknowledge the degree to which I have locked myself away - protected myself - compensated for insecurity - suppressed my expressions (both in words and actions) throughout my life

It is not that strange, though; and perhaps quite necessary at times - considering the world as it is (has been), with the framework we have to (have had to) relate to?

Maybe it is true, what is communicated from various sources: that the earth - nature - including us human beings - are in the middle of a great shift? That a lot of suppressed "ugliness" needs to surface, whilst our potential as powerful individuals is bursting out - with greater focus on co-creation, in both local and larger scale communities?

If so, I cannot wait! And, I am willing to continue my self-explorative journey anyway: because I can feel and sense my experience of myself changing to the better - along with my relating with everything and everyone around me

Though there are still unpleasant, confusing, heavy, frustrating "bouts" I need to delve through - where the urge to quit and accept the status quo can be quite alluring sometimes ... I know, within myself, that I have committed to this journey, and all the process entails for me

I wish to learn to trust myself, fully

I wish to learn to fully recognising what is my own, and what is in fact others' stuff

I wish to learn to fully recognise what are emotions (old, suppressed stuff), and what are feelings derived from the here-and-now

I wish to get to know myself - all aspects of me - everything I have to give in this life, all the potential I have for creating - individually, and in collaboration with others

And I wish to clear out everything superfluous: anything that does not belong to me; that is outdated; that is inhibiting me/holding me back

To invite and allure everything that has not yet been allowed out into the light, to surface and shine; and, to gain unhindered access to my darker sides - that are also meant to guide me through life

Up until this point, I have not allowed my deeper darker parts much room. They have been hidden away. As with my anger - my grief - my rebel: the parts of me that signal clearly what my boundaries are, no matter what others may think of me

On occasions I have put my foot down, and performed quite drastic turn-arounds, in relation to e.g. work situations that I could not accept: but, these have been one-off occasions, and not anchored in internal calmness and firmness - more as manoeuvres to avoid the deeper cracks in the supposedly wide open "correct" way forwards, than true course corrections onto my true path: that can supply inspiration and abundance on my journey

I have been, and am partly still, too much of a "good girl": attempting to please everyone, without respecting my own needs first. And only I can do anything about it! (But, I can seek help and support along the way; which I am actually getting "better" at)

So I am starting to get somewhere. I am experiencing disruptive changes. Actually, it seems quite unreal to me that this most extensive deep-dive out of all the ones I have experienced so far, have "only" lasted for a years time; though with substantial "prep-work" the year before ...

My stumbling upon several sources of knowledge and insights has definitely contributed a great deal to the (at times) quite intense inner turmoils I experience, but I also belive it has to do with the times we are living in - and the earth's/nature's frequencies (especially seeing as this is reflected back to me from so many different places)

What is my aim, with these musings?

I simply wish to share. Air it all out. Attempt to put words to some of the stuff that is rummaging around on my insides. Perhaps it is recognisable to some, and perhaps this kind of resonance can then feel supportive

'Cause it is not easy, when the chest is aching or being teared at from emotions wanting to break out and through - whilst being held back from engraved protective mechanisms, fears, doubt, shame and self (loathing/) denial

But, it is extremely freeing - having managed to give attention to/move about what is bursting out - being left with a lighter and roomier inner being. Feeling the increase in the body's flow, in one's own field, in one's own existence - in the meeting with oneself, and with others

I feel a lot freer now that I did a year ago; after having felt a lot freer for several years than I did ten years ago ... And, I will probably feel even freer the more I continue to listen inwards to everything within: landing into my own body, this magnificent part of nature; which can provide me with answers when I listen patiently; which can guide me when I trust my instincts; which can increase my flow of energy, and abundance, when I dance to the tune of my own needs

We are all unique individuals, and can choose to live fully in integrity with our own values, from what feels true and real from within: when we manage to weed away anything that is not our own

I belive that our individual qualities complement the interconnections we are part of in our collaboration, just as we see in the rest of nature: and, that we can lift each other up when we are able to embrace all that we are (as we are meant to be), whilst respecting others in the same way that we learn to respect ourselves

We can allow others to support us, we can ask for help, we can seek inspiration from outside ourselves: but, the answers reside inside ourselves - in our unique instructions and individual potential

(... in my opinion ...)

Guidance & support

My greatest sources of support and inspiration for these times, that I have felt drawn to/resonated with in relation to inner work (I have mentioned most of these in earlier writings):

Renate Guldbrandsen, (in Norwegian)

  • For support, guidance and mirroring of what it means to seek inwards into myself - inviting myself into the body, and receiving my own wisdom/power - and recognising where I feel resistance

Jacqueline Hobbs, Oracle Girl

  • For support, inspiration and insights into the changes within and around me in these times

The content of Chris Bale, combined with the books of Diana & Michael Richardson: Tantric Orgasm for Women and Tantric Sex for Men

  • For deeper understanding of the feminine and masculine - in the meeting with myself, and when meeting other wo/men
  • For a richer relationship with myself, my own body and sexuality/love

If you wish to seek guidance and support from me for any of these aspects (or others), you are welcome to find a suiteble time here

I wish to contribute, and believe that I have something to offer others; while also learning/receiving in return, in the meetings with wo/men reaching out/resonating with me

I am becoming braver in seeking support and help from others, who can help mirror back to me those aspects I need to be more aware of; work with; focus on to manifest what I wish for, and to find the answers I am looking for in myself -

And, it does not have to entail any system/methodology/tool (though many of these are of great value, and at times indispensable): simply having an "outsider" to talk to, who can be of support with their presence - and mirror back to us those aspects that are difficult to observe in ourselves - can help us a lot further down our own process: and ease the struggle of figuring it all out for ourselves